The Naked Red
by SilentProtagonist000
Summary: It is morning in Pallet town in 1998. An as-of-yet unknown young man begins his Pokemon journey. Now run screaming into to the night. Sceenplay format. Much lulz. Rated for language and sexual references.
1. The Journey Begins

(It is morning in Pallet Town in 1998. Pokemon Red and Blue has just been released to the United States several days ago, but it's still too early for anybody to give a whack about it. RED has awakened on this morning, the sun streaming into his bedroom window. Excitedly, he springs out of bed and gets dressed in a rush)

RED  
Finally! It's time! Today, I'm ten years old! That means I can finally embark on a long, dangerous journey, fighting animals that could potentially kill me, begging for rooms from strange pink-haired women, and having legal cockfights with other trainers to earn money! What a job!

(RED runs down the stairs to the kitchen, where his mother is sitting at the table, juxtapositioned right by the counters and stove)

RED'S MOTHER  
Red, sweetie, congratulations! You're ten years old today! You finally get to go to Professor Oak's lab and get your starter Pokemon! Then you'll embark on your journey and—

RED  
-fight animals that could potentially kill me, beg for rooms from strange pink-haired women, and have legal cockfights with other trainers to earn money?

RED'S MOTHER  
No! You won't dip into my savings account anymore! I can finally buy high-price condoms again!

RED  
Mom, are you going to come with me to Professor Oak's lab to see what Pokemon I choose?

RED'S MOTHER  
No thank you. I'm just going to sit here in the kitchen for all eternity, unmoving from this spot, speaking to no one. Instead, I'll just wait for you to come home every once in a while, heal your team, and then send you on your way again! I also might make the occasional sandwich, because that's what women are born to do!

(RED departs the house and heads in PROFESSOR OAK's lab)

OAK  
Red! Are you stupid? It's five o'clock in the morning and you woke me up before I was able to have my morning wank! Old men like me just can't get it up on a regular basis anymore!

RED  
I'm here for my Pokemon, Professor Oak.

OAK  
Couldn't you have waited an hour or so?

RED  
I'm sorry, Professor! I was just so excited! Didn't you feel the same way when you were ten and starting out on your Pokemon journey?

OAK  
Well, I suppose you're right. I wanted to get right out there and catch a Ralts so I could have a sexy Gardevoir in a few battles. Until I realized Ralts lived in the Hoenn region, not here. Anyway. Which Pokemon do you want?

RED  
Well, what do you have?

OAK  
I have a Charmander, a Squirtle, and a Bulbasaur.

RED  
All those are boring. Don't you have something else? Like a Mew?

OAK  
Don't be foolish. Mew only appears if you flash a tree and make turkey noises. I do have a Metapod, though.

RED  
Cool! I'll take it!

OAK  
(Hands Red a Pokeball) Congratulations, Red! You obtained your first Pokemon, a Metapod! Would you like to nickname him?

RED  
How about Penis?

OAK  
Good choice, my boy. Penis the Metapod it is.

RED  
Hooray!

(At this moment, BLUE storms in)

BLUE  
Hey, Gramps! I turn ten today, too! I heard from my sister that Red was down here, picking out a Pokemon! How come you didn't tell me? I want one too!

OAK  
Oh! (Turns to RED) This is your RIVAL. He is my grandson. You two have been rivals since you were babies.

RED  
I knew that already.

BLUE  
Cut the narration, Gramps.

OAK  
Erm… what was his name again?

BLUE  
Gramps, it's me, Blue. I live right next door to the lab. Don't you recognize me?

(RED smirks and gestures to OAK. OAK bends down and turns his ear for RED to murmur into while BLUE stands in complete and utter confusion)

OAK  
(Standing upright again) Right! His name is BOOBIES!

BLUE  
GRAMPS! I'm BLUE! (Glowers at RED)

RED  
(Grinning) Just go with it, man.

BLUE/BOOBIES  
Whatever. Anyway, Gramps, I demand my Pokemon right now! Tell me what you have so I can make a choice!

OAK  
Bulbasaur, Charmander, and Squirtle.

BLUE/BOOBIES  
What does Red have?

OAK  
A Metapod.

BLUE/BOOBIES  
Haha! Then I'll take the obvious type advantage against Metapod! (Grabs a Pokeball off the table before OAK and turns to RED confidently) C'mon, Red! I challenge you to a battle!

RED  
Ugh, what a pain! Fine. Go, Penis! (Releases his Metapod from the Pokeball)

BLUE/BOOBIES  
Go, Squirtle! (Pokeball reveals a small sky-blue turtle)

OAK  
Boobies, that isn't the type advantage. Water does very little damage to the Bug type—

BLUE/BOOBIES  
My name is BLUE, GRAMPS!

RED  
The peanut gallery should quit squabbling! I'm all geared for attack! Penis? (METAPOD looks attentive) Use Harden. (Starts to snicker)

BLUE/BOOBIES  
(Rolls his eyes) Really, dude? That's so mature.

**PENIS's DEFENSE rose!**

BLUE/BOOBIES  
I know how to combat this! Get ready to eat dirt, Red! Squirtle, use Tail Whip!

**PENIS's DEFENSE fell!**

RED  
Penis, use Harden!

**PENIS's DEFENSE rose!**

BLUE/BOOBIES  
Squirtle, use Tail Whip!

**PENIS's DEFENSE fell!**

OAK  
Oy, I'm too old to be watching this crap. I'd rather die watching a naked woman. (Shuffles off)

(The battle goes on for many centuries. Wars are fought, babies are born, and OAK's virginity is lost)

BLUE/BOOBIES  
This is taking too long!

RED  
Yeah, I guess so. I really have to pee. And I haven't eaten in days.

BLUE/BOOBIES  
Shall we call it a draw?

RED  
Sure, I'm all for that. But why can't we call it an oil paint or a graphite pencil or a charcoal?

BLUE/BOOBIES  
You don't know anything about art, dummy.

RED  
Yes, I do! I named my Metapod Penis! That's really artistic.

BLUE/BOOBIES  
I rest my case. Also, I was lying. SQUIRTLE, USE HYPER BEAM!

(SQUIRTLE blasts PENIS with an explosion of light. PENIS faints and BLUE/BOOBIES wins the battle)

RED  
WHAT? THAT ISN'T EVEN LEGAL!

BLUE/BOOBIES  
Says who? This is a legal cockfight. Anything goes.

RED  
Squirtle can't even learn Hyper Beam without a TM!

BLUE/BOOBIES  
I know that. I gave this pathetic reptile the TM for it.

RED  
No, you didn't. You've had Squirtle for all of five seconds! I was here with you the entire time! You just cheated!

BLUE/BOOBIES  
Too bad! I still won anyway! Now give me 5000 Pokedollars.

RED  
I'm ten years old! I don't have that kind of money!

BLUE/BOOBIES  
Then give me your clothes.

(Several minutes later, RED is standing completely naked sans his hat and BLUE/BOOBIES is holding a pile of RED's folded clothes)

BLUE/BOOBIES  
(Giving him a once-over) Dude, nice. It's kind of small, though.

RED  
My Metapod is huge! Stop judging it!

BLUE/BOOBIES  
Whatever. Clearly, your balls haven't dropped yet. (Waves condescendingly) Alright, I'm out of here! Smell ya later, bro! I'll be beating you again! Ha! Ha ha!

RED  
I'll get you, Boobies!

BLUE/BOOBIES  
(Clenches teeth) MY. NAME. IS. BLUE.


	2. Route 1

(RED is wandering nude along Route 101, his PENIS back in its Pokeball *I swear, there is no intentional sexual connotation with that*)

RED  
Man, I wish I had some clothes. I'm not a Pokemon; I can't just run around swinging my stuff around. (Stomach growls) Crud, I'm getting hungry, too. Maybe if I walk up to a strange pink-haired woman, she will be seduced by my beautifully developed package and give me a place to stay for the night. (Stares ahead at the long expanse of road and long grass) Or I totally could just sleep outside and get eaten by Rattata.

(A noise manifests itself in the long grass where RED is wandering. Jolting to attention in surprise, he jumps backward, fearfully agitated at the noise)

RED  
YOW! What was that? A ghost? My mom? The rash between my legs coming to life? I hate long grass! I'm so allergic! (Shakes fist) I'm gonna kill that Boobies…

(The tall grass rustles and out steps a MANKEY, foraging on the ground for nuts and berries. When he turns his head and spots RED, he acts startled)

RED  
Cheese and Christ! It's a Mankey! (Whispers aside maniacally) If I could catch him, I can smack Boobies around!

MANKEY  
(Pointing disparagingly at RED's nudity) Key?

RED  
Shut up! I'm becoming one with nature. (Throws PENIS's Pokeball) Go, Penis!

(PENIS emerges in a splash of white light)

PENIS  
Metapod.

RED  
Penis! Use Tackle!

(PENIS grunts and rolls over on its side, jerking there stagnantly in an attempt to move for a few moments before giving up)

PENIS  
Poddddddddd.

**PENIS's attack failed!**

RED  
Come on, Penis! You can try harder! You've got to make this Mankey come!

MANKEY  
(Rolls eyes) Mankeyyyyy.

RED  
Okay, Penis, let's try a different tactic. Use String Shot!

(PENIS shoots a long, gooey string of white substance out of the top of its shell, covering Mankey so completely that it topples over in a storm of beige cream)

PENIS  
(Sighing contentedly) Meeeeeeetaaaaaaa.

RED  
Nice shot, Penis! I'm proud of you! We have her now! (Removes a Pokeball from his bag and chucks it at the immobile MANKEY) Pokeball, go!

(The white pile of wet MANKEY disappears in a bath of red light, entrapped in the Pokeball. The ball falls to the ground dramatically and rolls a few times before freezing in its place)

**Congratulations! MANKEY was caught!**

RED  
(Heads over to the Pokeball and picks it up triumphantly) Yeah! I caught my first Pokemon! But not alone, of course! Why, if my Penis had never been there, Mankey wouldn't have been so easy to come on to!

PENIS  
Meta-Metapod.

(RED returns PENIS to its Pokeball and heads down the road to Viridian City, still in his birthday suit. Two young TRAINERS have just entered from Pallet Town, standing in awe at the stark butt disappearing into the sinking sun in the distance. One TRAINER turns to the other, his mouth partially open and a small hint of drool escaping from his lips)

TRAINER 1  
… Did you just see that?

TRAINER 2  
Yes. All of it.

TRAINER 1  
Is he naked?

TRAINER 2  
Yes, he's naked.

TRAINER 1  
What's wrong with him?

TRAINER 2  
I don't know.

TRAINER 1  
… He's awesome.

TRAINER 2  
Word.


	3. Viridian City

(RED enters Viridian City with his two brand-new Pokemon in hand, freely walking with his junk fluttering in the breeze delicately. Every passing citizen in Viridian stops to gawp openly at him, though all are too stunned to stop him and offer garments or mental assistance. As RED travels down the path to the Pokemon Center, he comes upon an OLD MAN, who is sitting in front of his house with a glazed expression on his face. Upon spying our scantily clad hero, he snaps to attention and leaps to his feet, stopping RED in his tracks)

OLD MAN  
My stars, son! You aren't wearing any clothes!

RED  
So what? I had to give up my clothing when I lost a Pokemon battle because I don't have any Pokedollars. Everything, including my shoes. And I kind of like it. Being nude feels like freedom.

OLD MAN  
(Claps RED approvingly on the shoulder) Good for you, young man! I've always wanted the world to be my nudist colony. But be careful about where you go around these parts. Did you know that flapping your balls is actually grounds for arrest?

RED  
(Horrified) No!

OLD MAN  
Yes, it is! Some nonsense about "indecent exposure." It's just a penis; it's not like the women have never seen one, right? But I doubt you'll have anything to worry about. Carry on as you are. Just become an excellent Pokemon trainer and not a soul will protest whatever you do.

RED  
All right!

OLD MAN  
Don't forget to work out, too. The only naked men women want to see are fit ones.

RED  
Okay, but I'm only ten.

OLD MAN  
You're never too young to make the ladies giggle! Anyway, since you came from Pallet Town—

RED  
How did you know that? I never told you.

OLD MAN  
-You probably got your starter Pokemon from Professor Oak and don't know how to catch a wild Pokemon for yourself—

RED  
Uh, wait…

OLD MAN  
-On Route 101, so I'll go about teaching you how to capture—

RED  
Hold on a darn minute!

OLD MAN  
-A wild Po—

RED  
I CAUGHT A MANKEY ON ROUTE 101 ALREADY! SHEESH!

OLD MAN  
SHUT UP, WHIPPERSNAPPER! QUIT INTERRUPTING YOUR ELDERS! I'M ONLY TRYING TO HELP!

RED  
YOU AREN'T HELPING!

OLD MAN  
YOU'RE DELUSIONAL! MANKEY DON'T APPEAR ON ROUTE 101! ONLY RATTATA AND PIDGEY!

RED  
Seriously, I did. (Releases MANKEY from its Pokeball, which is still drenched in PENIS's String Shot) See? I told you.

OLD MAN  
Egad! What did you do to that poor Mankey? You're too young to be getting dirty with Pokemon, son.

RED  
It's not mine, I swear!

OLD MAN  
Who's is it, then?

RED  
My Penis's.

OLD MAN  
This talk about penises reminds me of how much I miss my wife…

RED  
Penis is my Metapod.

OLD MAN  
(Smiling nostalgically) Of course it is, son. Of course it is. My wife liked it when I called mine a Metapod, too.

RED  
Ergh.

OLD MAN  
Do you want me to teach you or not?

RED  
(Grumbles) Fine, I guess so.

OLD MAN  
Great! Then the first thing you need to do is get on your Flying Pokemon and use Fly to go to Cinnabar Island.

RED  
… Huh? Aren't you teaching me how to catch a wild Pokemon?

OLD MAN  
Yes. What else am I doing?

RED  
First off, I don't even have a Pokemon that can fly. I have a Mankey and a Metapod. Secondly, I don't even get to teach anybody Fly until like, the fifth gym. Thirdly, where the heck is Cinnabar Island? I've never even left my house in my entire pathetic life.

OLD MAN  
Oh, fine. I guess I'll lend you mine. (Under his breath) Selfish youngsters, expecting everything to be handed to them these days. (Removes a Pokeball from his pocket) Go, Mewtwo!

(MEWTWO pops out in a billow of smoke from the OLD MAN's Pokeball)

RED  
WHAT? You have a MEWTWO?

OLD MAN  
Is there something wrong with that? I used to be a hotshot trainer back in my day! I'm not the first to defeat the Elite Four!

RED  
You went to the Cerulean Cave and caught Mewtwo, for one thing, and now you're telling me that you're a past Pokemon Champion? Who the heck are you?

OLD MAN  
I'm God!

RED  
Are you sure there isn't a nursing home somewhere that isn't looking for you?

OLD MAN  
Not exactly. There's actually a heart transplant patient in Pewter City, just waiting for me to croak! Now let's get hopping, son! (Leaps upon MEWTWO, grabs RED eagerly by the hand, and the pair zip off at the speed of light)

RED  
HELP! HELP! I'M BEING KIDNAPPED!

OLD MAN  
Oh, shut up! I'm not kidnapping you.

RED  
You aren't?

OLD MAN  
Of course not! Use context clues! If you're naked, what am I doing?

RED  
(Thinks for a moment) Ah, right then. (Screams at the earth thousands of feet below) HELP! HELP! I'M BEING RAPED!


	4. A Wild Missingno Appears

(The pair and MEWTWO land on the edge of Cinnabar Island, upon the eastern shore by BLAINE's gym, a battle that RED is much too underskilled to challenge. They disembark from the MEWTWO and OLD MAN puts it back into its ball. They stand there at the shoreline, staring at the long, licking ocean that extends for miles into the horizon)

RED  
… So, what exactly are we doing here?

OLD MAN  
First of all, we're going shopping! Time to buy clothes!

(Five minutes later, RED is fully equipped in a band-new outfit identical to the one he lost to BLUE/BOOBIES)

OLD MAN  
Mission accomplished!

RED  
Did you really have to make me buy the thong, though? This thing is uncomfortable. It's like floss for your butt. (Shifts and fidgets in discomfort)

OLD MAN  
Nonsense! Don't complain! Everybody knows that women's panties cost less than men's briefs! Besides, you'll have a sexy little secret to hide from the world.

RED  
I really doubt they're cheaper, man.

OLD MAN  
You're ten years old. You've never taken Retail Economics. (Faces the water) All right, now it's time to fish for your first real Pokemon!

RED  
I have a Metapod and a Mankey already. And I'm not far enough into the game to have a fishing rod.

OLD MAN  
Jesus, you really are an idiot. (Removes a fishing rod from his pocket)

RED  
… How does something that big fit in there?

OLD MAN  
That's what she said! Besides, I fit larger things in these pants.

(RED slaps himself on the forehead)

OLD MAN (Cont.)  
Anyhoo, do you know how to fish?

RED  
No.

OLD MAN  
It's easy! All you do is cast your line into the water, wait for a few minutes, and when you have a bite, press the A button at a precise time to snag your wild Pokemon on the bait!

RED  
Sounds complex, actually.

OLD MAN  
Not when you get used to it. You'll be catching mermaids in no time! (Points at the water expectantly) Now cast your line.

RED  
Okay. (Does as the OLD MAN instructs) So what exactly am I trying to catch here?

OLD MAN  
A Pokemon. Are you deaf?

RED  
No. I'm not like you.

OLD MAN  
What was that? What did you say, son?

RED  
I rest my case.

OLD MAN  
Are you trying to ask what kind of Pokemon you're fishing for?

RED  
Jesus Christ, how dense are you? I've been wondering that since Viridian.

OLD MAN  
I can answer that! (Dramatic pause) Water Pokemon!

RED  
(Sarcastically surprised) No way! You don't say?

OLD MAN  
(As RED's fishing line begins to seize and shudder) Young trainer! Quit being stupid and distracting yourself! There's something on the end!

RED  
(Genuinely excited this time) Huh? Whoa! (Grabs the line and pulls with all his might) Old man, I can't get it! This Pokemon's too heavy!

OLD MAN  
What do you mean, you spineless shrimp? Water Pokemon don't even weight that much! Back to the gym for you!

RED  
Shut up and help me! Please!

(The OLD MAN sighs begrudgingly and, with no absence of expletives under his breath, marches over to RED and clamps onto his waist, pulling with all his might)

OLD MAN  
My God, you weren't lying! How heavy is this thing? A ton and a half?

RED  
I told you so!

(The line suddenly comes free and splashes out of the water, bringing an agitated MISSINGNO with it. It hovers in the air above the stunned OLD MAN and RED as they gawp at the dark lord of glitch Pokemon)

A wild MISSINGNO appeared!

RED  
Um… what is that?

OLD MAN  
(Horrified) Egad! It's a Missingno!

RED  
What's a Missingno? (Studies its stagnant form) It looks like a badly pixilated backward L.

OLD MAN  
Oh, but it's far from that! You see, Missingno is the bane of all trainers' existences! Missingno ş̴̧ͧ̐ͨ͗͆̐̿ͥͯ͊ͤͬ̚҉͔̺̰̗̘̲̳̼̪̱̰̕g̜͖͇̝̠̎̄̑̋̔ͨͭ̀̚͢f̧̡̻̰̠̬̻͙̦͍̖̖ͪ̈͑ͤ̃̉͒̿̆̓ͧ̒ͬ̋̀͜  
̶̷͓͚̺͙̗̤̰̱̝̖̱̯ͦ͋̆ͯͭ̌͂̍͗͐̔̃͐̂̅̀ͅ  
̵̸̎̉ͧ̾̽̃ͪ̀̚̚͏̣̱̘͙͞

RED  
Wow, that sounds dangerous! So ̵̸̎̉ͧ̾̽̃ͪ̀̚̚͏̣̱̘͙͞?

OLD MAN  
4̷̨̝̞͙̜̰̬̙̯̫ͫ̂̍ͨͤ̀o͗̃ͨ̈́ͫ͘͏͉̮̙̥̯͙͎̤͓̱͍̘r̫̝̻͚ͩ͂ͦ̈́̈́́͜͞t̢̡̹͇̥͈̼̼̣̼̤̗͔̱̩͈̺̪̠͐̾ͪ̒̓̃̀ͮ̇̂̚̕ͅ

RED  
̛̃ͯ͆͒̏͋̏͛ͥ̊̇͆̄͛ͦ͜͏̘̰̭͍̥̖͚̝̰̰̭̥͖̻̜͚̝

OLD MAN  
Wait, what did you just say?

RED  
What have you been saying?

OLD MAN  
Egad! It's been too many years since I've encountered one of these pieces of rubbish! Missingno jumbles your speech!

RED  
Why?

OLD MAN

k̬̙͙̰̱ͩ̎́q̷̦͙̣̥̤̮̲͖̋̐̌ͥ̑ͨj̸̟̬̓̊̍̽̾ͨ͌̀h̷̞̖̰ͤ̓͑̈́ẅ̻́̆͋̀͘͠w͗̽̎͏̦̲̖̩̩̩͕Å̷̦̗̫̇̐̌ͩ̾Ḭ̜̪́̐͟͝Ò̧̖̙͗ͧ͂̆͡

RED  
… Never mind, I'm just going to try and catch this thing. (Pitches a Pokeball at MISSINGNO) Go, Pokeball!

(MISSINGNO disappears into the Pokeball. It shakes a few times vigorously, then sparks with a triumphant click)

RED (Cont.)  
Yay! I caught the world's most volatile Pokemon!

OLD MAN  
You fool! What have you done?

RED  
You speak English again?

OLD MAN  
Missingno isn't just dangerous—it's downright murderous! It has a taste for cold blood, a revenge for never having been officially recognized as a Pokemon! The League will not allow it! You're making a mistake, training a monster like this! Do you know how illicit this is?

RED  
But I've already been walking around naked and haven't been arrested.

OLD MAN  
(Considers this) You're right. Never mind, go ahead and raise it!

RED  
Thanks! Now I need a nickname. How about… Beezlebub?

OLD MAN  
That's foolish. Name it Hades!

RED  
I like that better! Hades the Missingno it is!

OLD MAN  
… Wait, when did you catch a Missingno?

RED  
Uh, I never said that. I said Magikarp. See? Magikarp, Magikarp, Missingno. It sounds similar, that's all.

OLD MAN  
I miss my wife.

RED  
And I really don't care.


	5. Vs Brock

(RED and the OLD MAN make their way back to Viridian City. With three partners in hand, RED bids goodbye to his elderly friend and makes his way through the Viridian Forest, brutally massacring bug catchers on the way there and leaving their severed limbs in a pool of rancid blood. Once he emerges in Pewter City, RED is again completely naked, having accidentally lost track of his clothes during a game of strip poker with a WEEDLE. Without further ado, RED enters the Pewter City Gym to challenge BROCK, the master of Rock-type Pokemon)

RED  
(Shouting into the dark gym) Yooooooooooooouuuuuuuuu! I want to challenge youuuuuuuu!

BROCK  
(As floodlights soak the battlefield in white light, BROCK stands on a slightly elevated, flat boulder with two Pokeballs strapped to his waist) Challenger! I accept your—OH MY GOD. ARE YOU NAKED? (Recoils, horrified) Put on some decency and come back later!

RED  
Hey! That's not fair! I'm just embracing the beauty of the male body.

BROCK  
So you're gay?

RED  
Absolutely not! Just because I like to lovingly gaze at my own junk doesn't mean that. Besides, how can you see me through those squinty eyes of yours?

BROCK  
RACIST! GET OUT OF MY GYM!

RED  
NO, BATTLE!

BROCK  
FINE, BATTLE!

RED  
WRRRRROOOOOOOAAAARRRR!

BROCK  
!

RED  
PENISGO! (Throws out a Pokeball, and PENIS the Metapod is born from a splash of shimmer)

BROCK  
Onix, get them! (Tosses a Pokeball, and an ONIX appears)

RED  
Whoa, cool! We both have phallic Pokemon! We must be brothers.

BROCK  
I'LL NEVER BE BROTHERS WITH A GAY RACIST!

RED  
I told you, I'm not gay!

BROCK  
Onix, use Bind!

(ONIX squeezes PENIS in a vicegrip with a roar, refusing to relent)

RED  
Crap. Penis, use Harden! (Grins) That will never get old.

(However, instead of glowing with the familiar Harden defense raising, PENIS begins to glow. Shedding its shell, PENIS no longer lives its miserable life as a Metapod—it is now a BUTTERFREE!)

Congratulations! Your PENIS is now a BUTTERFREE!

RED (Cont.)  
Whoa, Penis is a Butterfree!

PENIS  
SHUT UP, MAN! THAT'S THE MOST IMMATURE NAME FOR A POKEMON!

RED  
… You talk?

PENIS  
YES! AND FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, PUT ON SOME CLOTHES, YOU INCORRIGABLE NUDIST! (Coughs) I mean… uh… freefreefree!

RED  
Huh, that must've been my imagination. Missingno is messing up my brain.

BROCK  
YOU HAVE A MISSINGNO? THAT'S ILLEGAL! YOU'RE NOT ONLY GAY AND A RACIST, BUT ALSO A CRIMINAL!

RED  
Did I say Missingno? I meant Magikarp. PENISUSESLEEPPOWDER!

PENIS  
Jesus, fine. (PENIS flies over the ONIX, spreading a blue dusting on the battleground. ONIX yawns and curls up on the ground, fast asleep)

The foe ONIX fell asleep!

BROCK  
NOW YOU'RE A RAPIST!

RED  
Heck no! I don't even know where the genitals are on that thing. It's a giant rock snake.

PENIS  
Where there's a will, there's always a way.

BROCK  
Did that Butterfree just talk?

PENIS  
(Desperate) FREEFREE!

RED  
Penis! Hit that Onix with a Solarbeam!

(PENIS takes in sunlight. It flies stagnantly as RED waits impatiently for it to attack)

RED (Cont.)  
I said, use Solarbeam!

BROCK  
Now you're stupid, too! When Sunny Day hasn't triggered a weather change in the battle, you have to wait for a turn before the attack fires!

RED  
Well, screw that! Whose decision was it to make this cheap move, anyway?

BROCK  
The same guys who devised Hyper Beam?

RED  
(Cringes and growls) HYYYYPPPEEERRRR BEAAAAAMMMMM.

(Suddenly, ONIX stirs and opens its eyes, standing at attention again)

The foe ONIX woke up!

RED  
OBJECTION! It only stayed asleep for one turn! I CALL HAX ON YOUR ASS!

BROCK  
(Ignores him) Onix, use Water Gun!

(ONIX stares confusedly at BROCK before shaking its head disparagingly and turning to PENIS and opening its mouth. However, nothing comes out)

The foe ONIX used Water Gun!  
But it failed!

PENIS  
LOL. Idiot.

RED  
PENIS, USE SOLARBEAM!

(PENIS attacks ONIX in a huge rage of sunny beams, knocking the Pokemon back in a one-hit KO)

You defeated GYM LEADER BROCK!

BROCK  
WHAT? I LOST TO A GAY, RACIST RAPIST WHO FLUNKED HIS SAT TEST?

RED  
I object again! I'm ten! I've never taken the SAT.

BROCK  
Whatever. Here's the BoulderBadge. Get the hell out of my gym.

BROCK handed over the BOULDERBADGE!

RED  
Yay! I've beaten my first gym leader!

PENIS  
SHUT UP. I BEAT HIM FOR YOU. I DESERVE THAT GODDAMN BADGE.

RED  
What?

PENIS  
Uh… freefree?


End file.
